There are things that I defiantly know I am feeling, and things that I defiantly know I don’t know…but all in all I am at a loss for words. Even when in conversation with my husband I cannot seem to pinpoint what I want or make a decision.
You have to know that I am one of the most decisive people you will ever meet. I make judgments quickly, and know what I want at almost every moment. I find a comfort in having direction, working towards something, and achieving. OK…I am Type A. Or…I was. Now I don’t know quite what I am. I am like a Type A person who has lost their faith in achievement. I struggle to concentrate.
The thing is I know exactly what I want. I know at every given moment what I wish I was doing. As I sit here, outside by my neighbor’s pool I have visions of my floating around with Zoë in a floating baby raft, and us splashing and playing in the water. That right there is what I want. That is what every cell in my body is striving to achieve, but that is exactly what my rational brain knows I will never accomplish.
So…what to do? Well nothing. There is nothing that I can do that will get me what I want…so instead I struggle with knowing that I need to do something. Anything. I know I need to “keep going”. But going at what? I can swim…and find a fraction of a moment of joy, then reality hits.
I can enjoy a sunset for a second…then reality.
I can watch a baby bunny hop across my lawn…then reality.
I have now been without Zoë for just over three months. One quarter of a year. The longest and fastest three months of my life. Knowing the value of life it kills me that part of me is not living to the fullest. That part of me that does not want to do anything, that is satisfied with staying at home curled up in my bed all day. I am so grateful that I have the other half of me pushing myself out of bed, and into the world. My desire to live a full life is just as strong as my desire to not…so here I am split in two. Unable to make a decision because both sides of myself make such a great arguments. I agree equally with both.
The Do-Nothing side is responsible for my pleasure. It tells me take care of yourself. You are depressed, and sad, relax, and day dream. Who cares about doing chores, keeping up the house, or doing laundry…it does not matter. Those things are not worth anything.
Then my Type A personality boots me out of bed and says, “Laura you must do SOMETHING!” So I make a bargain. I will vacuum the sun room if I can stay outside for the rest of the day and watch Louie on Netflix, and crochet.
If I fold one wash I can sit at the picnic table and daydream for an hour while watching the birds.
If I don’t scream at the top of my lungs in the grocery stores frozen foods isle I can play De Blob 2 on Wii for a few hours.
So…I guess I am somehow accomplishing some things…but not really.
What I am accomplishing is:
1. Not being locked up in the crazy bin for public meltdowns.
2. Keeping the house at a mild organized state.
3. Not staying in bed all day.
My Type A side is PISSED at this list. It is so paltry, and pathetic. It is barely any kind of accomplishment. But my Do-Nothing Self is rather proud. “Look at me,” it says, “I am at least accomplishing something.”
The decision making process which used to be at lightning speed now has to be processed by both sides of my new personality. Type A will attempt to get an answer first, but usually Do-Nothing sneaks in and interrupts. The proposed question is then battered back and forth like volleyball until either the ball is dropped out of exhaustion, or someone makes a decision for me.
WHO IS THIS PERSON?!?!
Me, having someone else make a decision for me? Holy-moly…. But in all reality this is probably the best and least exhausting resolution to any scenario in which I am required to make a decision at the moment. When my most rational side knows that I am not to be fully trusted to make the best decisions for myself.
My inability to make a choice has resulted in dinner time being at 10:00PM, my inability to sleep, watch TV without having to do something at the same time, find music to listen to, I won’t even begin to attempt to read at the moment because the choice of what book to read makes me fearful it will result in a full blown panic attack. So I just don’t read at the moment.
I have been known to change my outfit several times a day. I make plans only to remember that I have other plans, then the thought of doing any of them panics me and I just want to cancel.
If anyone makes a comment that it, “just takes time,” again I will scream. Time is both the answer and the problem. Time is not on my side. I have a lot of time to be without Zoë, to think of her, and to miss her. No amount of time will bring her back. No amount of time will make the pain of having lost my child any less. Time will pass and I will learn how to cope with her loss better. I will learn what will trigger my pain, and how to alleviate it. But it will not diminish my pain.
This is something that all parts of me know without a doubt.