Some days Zoë’s death hurts so much more than usual. I am immersed in the pain less these days because I’m so busy raising Esmée. But it still hurts every day.
Tonight, I’ve been sifting through videos of Zoë and Laura that I took from the hospital on my old phone. For some reason when I transferred the video to my computer, the sound was lost. It is interesting to watch the silent videos. I don’t make up dialogue or imagine background noises, I just find peace in the silence. Somehow they seem less real. Then there are videos with sound and I compare Zoë’s voice to Esmée’s. Many things about my two daughters make them so different and unique from each other. Zoë was so tiny and delicate to handle with the tubes entering her body from so many angles. Esmée is such a chunky monkey. Her rolls have rolls. Esmée has so much hair!!! Zoë lost hers.
I watched one video of the last day or two of Zoë’s life. It had audio. It was nice to hear the voices of my in-laws talking to Zoë. I know how much they were affected by Zoë’s death. One of greatest sites I’ve ever witnessed was seeing Laura’s grandparents interacting with Zoë for the first time. It was also one of the saddest moments in my life to see the devastation in their eyes when they walked into our bedroom to visit Zoë for the last time.
In the video, Laura must have taken the bottle away from Zoë because she began to cry. It was weak and sad. I thought that was how it was to listen to my child dying. When my time nears, will I sound like baby using every ounce of strength to be heard?
Tonight, I’ve been sifting through videos of Zoë and Laura that I took from the hospital on my old phone. For some reason when I transferred the video to my computer, the sound was lost. It is interesting to watch the silent videos. I don’t make up dialogue or imagine background noises, I just find peace in the silence. Somehow they seem less real. Then there are videos with sound and I compare Zoë’s voice to Esmée’s. Many things about my two daughters make them so different and unique from each other. Zoë was so tiny and delicate to handle with the tubes entering her body from so many angles. Esmée is such a chunky monkey. Her rolls have rolls. Esmée has so much hair!!! Zoë lost hers.
I watched one video of the last day or two of Zoë’s life. It had audio. It was nice to hear the voices of my in-laws talking to Zoë. I know how much they were affected by Zoë’s death. One of greatest sites I’ve ever witnessed was seeing Laura’s grandparents interacting with Zoë for the first time. It was also one of the saddest moments in my life to see the devastation in their eyes when they walked into our bedroom to visit Zoë for the last time.
In the video, Laura must have taken the bottle away from Zoë because she began to cry. It was weak and sad. I thought that was how it was to listen to my child dying. When my time nears, will I sound like baby using every ounce of strength to be heard?
The break in this post is to signify that there was a break in my writing. I was drawn away from my computer and lost momentum. I didn't want to end the post the way it would have if I ended as it appears above. Though my sadness shows, I wanted to somehow leave it on a positive note. After all, my blog is about realizing dreams to reality. Zoë's life had purpose. It made me a father and a better man. I cared for her with all my heart and carried her though this life as far as I could. I will always love Zoë. I'll love my wife and second daughter twice as much as I could have done without Zoë teaching me unconditional love.
The best thing I learned tonight was after uploading these videos to our website, the audio returned. I don't know why or how, but the sound is back! I hope you enjoy these gems.
The best thing I learned tonight was after uploading these videos to our website, the audio returned. I don't know why or how, but the sound is back! I hope you enjoy these gems.
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