I imagine that this year is going to be about growth. As someone recently told me when I was feeling down, "Life will not be the same. It can't be. But time will heal my wounds and I will find a new normal."
Every day is a struggle. I struggle with everything that has happened. It is ridiculous how much I miss my daughter. It was not easy to come home after having a glorious “vacation”, one that would have so many people raving over. I didn't sleep more than two hours the night before our flight home. There was the wait at the airport in New Orleans, the layover in Philly, and the commute to our house in Webster. The disorganized home. The slighted cats. And the unoccupied nursery.
Some days I am winning the battle with my emotions. Some days I am the victim of my daughter's fate. I am preparing to get my license to practice massage therapy in Massachusetts. I am working on the Zoë Faye Foundation. I will continue to work in the hospital. Life will continue with or without me, if I don’t make the choice to live.
There are not a lot of minutes in each day that I don't think about Zoë. I told Laura that I was afraid that I would forget what her smiles look like, or what her laughter sounds like. There were a few days that I thought forgetting enough details would be how I essentially heal. I can't forget. A huge part of my time and energy goes into not forgetting. That is why I think about her almost all the time.
I have been reflecting on the egg, the carrot, and the coffee bean. I am currently put to that test. I don't have the answer. Some days I feel like the egg or the carrot, sometimes my feelings rapidly switch between both. I hope that in the end, I am like the coffee bean and offer good things to all those around me.
I accept that life is hard, it is not fair. Life is also for the living. It’s important to remember those who have passed away, and it is as important to celebrate what we have here and now. Because in a heartbeat, everything we have might be lost.
I have this memory of Zoë looking up at me with her big, inquisitive eyes (You know what I'm talking about once you have seen her pictures.) I don't know what she was thinking. But she often looked at me that way. I keep the memory fresh in my mind because that is how I want to remember her. The good times we had. I don't want to dwell on her pain and suffering, because that becomes my pain and suffering. If she can watch me now, and see me in the future, I want her to see me take my memories and transmute them into something greater because of my experiences with her, our love for each other.
There are several benefits in Zoë's honor coming up on us soon. I look forward to attending each benefit and doing everything in my power to kick cancer down. The Zoë Faye Foundation will help people battle their cancer and support the scientists who are going to find the cures and the new treatments to improve life. If you live in New England and want to attend these benefits or help us in this battle against cancer, please see the events page for dates and times. Or contact me directly, if you have something you can offer or if you want something to do. Team Zoë is alive and vibrant. And together we will overcome this wicked disease.