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163 Days

5/23/2013

5 Comments

 


I just went to my doctors for my 6 week post-partum check-up.  My doctor asked me all of the usual doctor questions to include questions regarding my state of mind.  Am I depressed she wondered.

I am.  But not because my body is experiencing a change in hormones, or readjusting post-partum, but because I am still in mourning.  I am reminded constantly of Zoë, and just how sick she was.  Not just from the cancer, but even before the cancer. 

Esmée is thriving, and growing, and changing so rapidly.  She in 6 weeks is nearly the same weight, and size that Zoë was in 5 months.  Zoë from the time of birth had extreme colic, coupled with the inability or refusal to sleep.  She spent the majority of her first two months crying, screaming, fussing, and just plain frowning.  Then the last three months battling cancer.

Zoë did not grow.  She did not thrive.

But what is affecting me now is this healthy baby that is in my lap, at my breast, snuggling in my bed.  Esmée is showing me just how an infant can grow, so quickly… How an infant can get chubby rolls, and be placed on her tummy without shrieking, and can be moved once sleeping from a car seat to a crib (without waking!)

As a first time mom with Zoë I knew something was not quite right with her.  I knew that her colic was more or less on the extreme side.  I did my due diligence.  We went to the doctors.  We asked questions.  We went back to the doctors.  I asked for advice from mothers old, and young.  I do not regret….  I am just sad…

I am sad that Zoë was so sick.  That she did not grow.  That she did not thrive.

My doctor asked me how I am handling this depression.  I explained that I have been doing my best to get out of the house as often as I can.   The bright sun and fresh spring weather is helping, as well as getting together with friends and family.  But there is one thing that is really keeping me going.  The thought that Esmée will live to see 163 days, one more day than her sister.

Wednesday, September 18th Esmée will be one day older than her sister.  Zeppo and I will be taking that day for us.  We will celebrate.  We will celebrate Zoë’s life, and Esmée’s life.  We will celebrate for Esmée that she will be setting her own milestones that won’t be compared to Zoë.  We will celebrate that she will continue to grow, and thrive.

I cannot help but think how often in the past year I have lived day to day, trying to reach mini-anniversaries.  How time has been chopped into new milestones (instead of looking forward to 2 months, or 3 months with Esmée I am looking forward to 163 days). 

Grief does such a strange thing to time.  Some days are so difficult.  It feels like I am holding my breath and just waiting for the day to pass.  Then other days I look forward to, I cannot get there fast enough.  What is most difficult is the inability to tell what day will strike me in what way. 

What will September 17th be like?  What will September 18th be like?

I have no way of knowing what these days will bring for me emotionally, but by creating these mini-anniversaries I have given myself days to look forward to, even if they might be difficult.

I cannot wait to celebrate for Esmée.  Sometimes I feel like I am looking at her and thinking of Zoë too much.  I don’t want to miss out on Esmée because I am focusing on Zoë.  I don’t want to stop thinking of Zoë to focus on Esmée.  What I really want is both of my girls…at once…

Since I cannot get what I want, I will struggle like all parents do to give equal time to all of my children.  Celebrating on September 18th will give Esmée a mini special day all of her own, and that I look forward to.

5 Comments
Lou-Ann Broadmeadow link
5/23/2013 09:38:41 am

Zoë did thrive. Oh, not in the textbook definition of thriving but in the development of a spirit so strong even cancer could not destroy her. Zoë was a bright spark on a dark sometimes weird planet. She thrived in her skill to bring people together in her tiny hand was the will of a lioness. In her heart there thrived a love so true it will survive and live in our hearts for all time.
Yes, my arms and heart still ache to hold her. Yes, my eyes still spring a leak when I think of her, and miss her. There will always be a Zoë sized hole in my soul but her spirit will continue to thrive as long as we remember and honor our little warrior princess.

Reply
Laura
5/23/2013 09:41:42 am

Lou-Ann you are right that she thrived in that regard. I guess what I have been dealing with lately is her lack of physical development...not her spirit, or personality... in that regard she thrived. Boy did she ever. I am just overwhelmed with just how little she physically grew.

Reply
karen
5/23/2013 10:29:44 am

Laura, hind sight is twenty-twenty, but also futile...
love your girls as individuals, in their time,
mourn Zoe, but keep the happy memories as close as you can...
make the time to see Esmee for herself, as well as Zoe's sister.
You are the bestest Mom these girls could have, and not just because your the only Mom they do have!!
karen

lindse
5/23/2013 10:37:50 am

Laura! Your words are amazing! Those last two paragraphs were so touching and truly made me cry!

Reply
Mom
5/23/2013 11:30:12 am

Laura, my sweet, from where I am, I'm wrapping my heart around you as you live until the 163rd day and celebrate Esmée and her sister...We will always remember the indomitable spirit of Zoë that Lou-Ann so eloquently describes. I remember many, many Zoë smiles in between her pain. Those smiles were a tribute to you, her beloved Mummy.

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    Laura is Zoë's mommy.  Forever and Always.

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The Zoë Faye Foundation's mission is to provide support and assistance to children diagnosed with Malignant Rhabdoid Tumors, Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumors, and Non-CNS Extrarenal Rhabdoid Tumors, and their families; provide pathways to information, financial relief, and raise awareness for rare pediatric cancers, and funds for researchers who focus on Rhabdoid Tumors and related cancers with the hopes of achieving a cure.