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September 10th, 2012 at 11:44PM Eastern Standard Time

9/4/2012

13 Comments

 
This is the tipping point.  The exact date and time that Zoë will have been gone for exactly as long as she lived.  I know that I have been rather quiet lately.  Not writing as much, and not posting all that much.  Mostly I think because I have been struggling with this impending date.

Nearly all parents who lose a child will reach this tipping point.  The point at which their child is gone longer than they lived.  Some parents have 18, 30, 50 years before this can happen, and for some parents they never see this date.  But for parents who have lost an infant this date comes barreling down at us with in days, weeks, or months of a child passing.

I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a child one or two days after birth, or even at birth.  My grandmother had a still born child.  She was named Grace.  My grandmother never "got over" this loss (how can you?)  She spoke of her daughter to me when I was a child, and she loved Grace.  My grandmother never even experienced this tipping point because it was simultaneous with Grace's birth.  I cannot begin to imaging the pain of losing a child before its first breath.

There is a saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."  I cannot help but think that for me it was better to have been a mother, even if it were for only 5 months, 10 days, 11 hours, and 18 minutes, than to never have had Zoë in my life.

So this September, on the tenth day, at the eleventh hour, and forty-four minutes past I will have reached Zoë's tipping point.  Every second beyond that time and date she will have been gone longer than she lived.  I don't know yet what to do with myself that day.  Do I try to go to sleep and let time do its thing and march on?  Do I stay awake and hold my breath from 11:44 to 11:45?  Do I cry?  Scream?  I don't know what I'll do.  But I know that no matter what I cannot stop this date and time from approaching, and passing by, and pulling me along with it.

Zoë will forever be 162 days old.  She will never speak.  Shew will never crawl, or roll over.  She will never eat solid food, or walk.  But she will change lives, hearts, and minds.  She will change the world, because she has forever changed me.
13 Comments
Roxanne
9/3/2012 10:10:20 pm

Your words are spoken so well and true. No matter how long the loss, or how soon they pass. The lose of a child is something you never get over. My Daughter was still Born her name is Roxona Lynn Edwards she would have been 15 this year. I have two precious children, But that void is nothing that can be filled. To think of the moments feeling your baby inside you moving, that bond is there. The pain felt is like no other. I am sorry for you loss, Let the tears flow on that day it will help to let it out. Keep people around you, please don't be alone. Sending my love from one Mother to another, She will always be your little baby and always watching waiting to see you again.

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Mary Gauvin
9/3/2012 10:14:00 pm

She knew a world of love, just as she filled your world with love beyond words. Even as this time approaches and then passes you will always have your time with her, you will always be her mom, she will always belong to you. Her life was this beautiful, amazing gift. She touched so many lives, had so much love, literally left her small footprints on this world.

I love you Laura, so many people do. You are so special. I hope you find that brief minute ahead to be one that finds you at peace and fills you with the love that you forever share with sweet Zoe.

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karen
9/3/2012 10:23:02 pm

*hugs*

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Zeppo
9/3/2012 11:03:04 pm

Hey Laura, I don't know how I will feel either, but you won't be alone...I promise.

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Liz
9/4/2012 12:07:42 am

Laura, and Zeppo,
Although I have never lost a child, after birth, I can only imagine the loss that you feel everyday.
I do believe that Zoe, picked you both as her parents, she was an Angel that was sent to this earth for a reason. You both are doing the work that was asked of you, to spread the word about cancer in honor of Zoe' Fay Young. When you look at all the pictures of Zoe' you can see the angel within. For today and tomorrow through laughter and sorrow, your Angel Zoe' will always be there wrapping you in her wings, showing you love, showing you care, showing you that life is eternal, she is always there.
In love and light
Aunt Liz

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Jessa
9/4/2012 12:29:24 am

This post was so hard to read through my tears. Not a day passes that I don't think of the three of you, chant for Zoe, pray that the universe will bring you peace and love to fill your hearts. Zoe changed this world for the better and forever. I know that someday the Zoe Faye Foundation will be known around the world, will change lives and inspire. It is impossible to imagine that there are any words that can comfort you as this date looms. I can't imagine. . . there is a book called "Unspeakable Losses," that I read once and it was a comfort to me. I'm not sure if it is still in print, but I recommend it. Only a mother can know the astounding sensation of a baby swimming within her, to everyone else, this is so abstract. Therefore, your loss is all the more keen because no one else can possibly relate to having someone else's unique heart beating inside of you. I can't possibly offer you any advice, but please know you, and Zoe's Foundation, have my support and affection unending.

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Mom (and Memere)
9/4/2012 08:28:08 am

I will be holding my breath with you on September 10th at 11:44AM... Zoë will always live in your heart's heart. Memere taught you how to hold on to that love when she spoke to you of her love for her Grace. I don't know if you remember this, but your great-grandmother, my Nanny, had a daughter named Grace too. My Aunt Grace died as a young adult with a young family, and my grandmother suffered a terrible loss with her passing. I pray that your Memere and my Nanny will send you strength on this impending day as they have gone before and can light the way.

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Lou-Ann Broadmeadow link
9/4/2012 09:16:54 am

We need to do a balloon release, all of us together. Zoë is ever present in my heart.

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mary louise
9/4/2012 10:31:01 am

Sending you my love. Zoe will always be remembered. Hugs

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Sarah
9/4/2012 11:07:20 am

on September 10 at 11:44 I'll love you that much more than I did on the first day, hour, minute that I met you and knew you were special. Love is exponential. Zoe forever! <3 <3 <3

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Joy
9/7/2012 07:50:13 am

She changed me forever. ~Joy

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Cataract surgery link
9/20/2012 08:02:26 pm

Such quality content! I find this article very informative. I am waiting for your next post. Keep it up.

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Deja
9/24/2012 03:57:17 am

I just found your blog through Offbeatmama.com and am writing this with tears in my eyes. I have a 1 year old son and when I go home tonight I will hold him a little longer, hug him a little tighter, and make sure to tell him about an amazing little girl named Zoe.

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    Laura is Zoë's mommy.  Forever and Always.

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The Zoë Faye Foundation's mission is to provide support and assistance to children diagnosed with Malignant Rhabdoid Tumors, Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumors, and Non-CNS Extrarenal Rhabdoid Tumors, and their families; provide pathways to information, financial relief, and raise awareness for rare pediatric cancers, and funds for researchers who focus on Rhabdoid Tumors and related cancers with the hopes of achieving a cure.