I sat down last year in a hospital and wrote about my birthday.  Although it was only a year and two days ago last year’s birthday seems like it was one hundred years ago.

In the past few months I have had conversations with Zeppo regarding my “age”.  I don’t feel my age in several ways.  In a lot of ways I feel so much older.  Like I have been wizened beyond my years.  That I have gained access to knowledge that most people get much later in life.  I have seen more, heard more, and done more than a woman of my age should ever have to do.

It is hard for me to connect to my peers in a lot of ways.  While I sit back and watch them talk about things that I no longer have concern about I wonder if I am loosing the ability to connect.  Or is it just that I don’t feel like connecting on a superficial level anymore?  I don’t want to talk about the junk food part of life, celebrity gossip, latest fashion trends, family gossip, etc.  I also don’t want loose connections to people.

But then there is the other side of me who secretly follows the latest fashion trends, and cruses Huffington Post for the latest in entertainment news.  I have even been caught watching TMZ, or Inside Edition on occasion.  I think this part of me is the part who just wants to regress, and be immature, and to feed my brain junk so I don’t have to think.

So how old am I?  My body feels relatively my age (it is a bit under stress as I am now 28+ weeks pregnant,).  But all in all I don’t feel that old.  My conscious and subconscious feel like they are 100 years old.  Perhaps if I were to ask Freud he would say that my Id is still young, and my Ego, and Super-ego have aged.

I wonder if I will ever feel like I am working as a whole again.

I read my blog post from 2012, and man did I have a lot going on for my last birthday!  I was exhausted, and caring for Zoë who was still in rather bad shape.  Perhaps that is why this year I did nothing.  I watched television, and crocheted my birthday away.  It was almost as if I were exhausted from reading what I went through last year.  So much so that it took me two days to think about how I felt about this year’s birthday in relation to last year.

Zeppo and I have been doing a lot of nothing these past few months.  I feel like I am still in recovery.  Like I cannot get enough down time.  Perhaps some of it is because I know the calm before the storm of having a new born, and I am trying to suck in as much leisure before our little one arrives?  But I don’t think that is it at all.  I think that my Id, and Ego, and Super-ego, my body, and soul are all in recovery and physical therapy.

This year’s birthday although relaxing, and good was still lonely, because rather than caring for Zoë I could only watch as her pictures scrolled on the computer’s screen saver.  Like most days I felt like something was missing.

My daughter has been amputated from my life, and my body and mind still feel her.

So here I am 33.  Feeling very old, and very young, and looking forward to what this year will bring.

While most people celebrate the New Year by staying up until Midnight I prefer to wake before dawn on January 1st to watch the sunrise.  I cannot think of a more wonderful way to start the “new beginning” than to feel the new day dawn.  There is such hope, and joy, and peace as a sunrise takes place.  The wonder of what this new day will bring.  The beauty of the sky turning slowly lighter and brighter, and the surroundings slowly coming into focus.

I have received many a message from people wishing me a happy new year.  I believe most people will look back at the year 2012 and think that it was the worst year of my life.  Although I can probably categorize it that way, I am very sad to leave behind 2012. 

In 2012 I had Zoë with me.  For many months we watched her smile, and sleep, eat, and love.  I became pregnant with her sister in 2012, and Zeppo and I have reached a new closeness that not many couples will ever achieve.

My family as a whole has experienced great joys, my brother, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law all purchased homes.  A nephew was born.  Friends had children, and conceived new life.  There were engagements, and wedding planning.  New cars, new trucks, and new jobs, and new job prospects.  New relationships and new hopes. 

I know that Zoë left us in April.  But she also stopped hurting.

Zeppo told me that we were so lucky to have had Zoë in our lives because she was one of the most amazing beings to have ever graced our planet.  Zoë taught me more in 2012 than I have probably learned in my entire lifetime about the human spirit, the physical body, the capacity for love, and the will to live. 

I go into 2013 with my eyes wider than I did in 2012.  My arms more open, and my heart stretched out.  I don’t plan on making a resolution because I don’t see time as starting and ending with every year.  I don’t want to set a goal that is only one year in length.  Rather I go into 2013 with a lifelong plan to care for myself and my family, to do good works, and to spread the love and light that Zoë brought to us.

There is such a focus around the New Year to start new.  To begin again.  This in some ways it is a comforting thought, to think that we can start fresh with a new slate.  However, by so casually tossing aside the previous year be careful not to leave behind the lessons learned, the love that was shared, and the good times.  In all the rush to run away from “bad things” don’t forget.  Even the hardest event you will ever suffer is better than not being able to suffer at all.

I am so blessed to sit in my home, and watch the sun light up this new day, to feel my daughter kick as she wakes up, and to know that I am here, I am alive, and I have the ability to make this next stretch of time wonderful for those in my life.

Happy New Year to you, and yours!