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Dear Santa,

12/7/2012

13 Comments

 
Dear Santa,

It has been a long time since I have written to you.  But I promise that I have not lost that belief in the sparkle and wonder and magic of Christmas.  This year my wish list is short.  All I want is one more second with my daughter.  One more twinkle in her eye, one more smile, one more moment.

You see Santa December 25, 2011 was the last day that my daughter had a bright and happy future.  Although she was sick, with what we thought was constipation, or tummy troubles it turned out that she was so much sicker than we could have imagined.

That Christmas was both wonderful and difficult.  We woke up early and went to my parent’s house for breakfast, and present exchanging.  Then off to my Aunt’s home for the big family party.  We passed Zoë around the room, and my Grandmother, and Aunts, and Cousins all took turns holding and cooing at her.  I will never forget the joy on my Grandmother’s face, or my Uncle rocking Zoë to sleep during the entire dinner.  His face full of peace and happiness as his plate of food grew cold.

I bought a Christmas ornament to take a handprint of Zoë, but there never seemed to be a good time to do it.  Plus she was just so grumpy, and I did not want to irritate her anymore than she already was.  So instead it now sits in its box…untouched.

When driving home we broke down and bought Zoë infant Tylenol, or something like it.  She had been screaming, and crying the entire one hour plus ride home.

That night as I feed her and rocked her she threw up, not a little spit up, or baby burp, but a cascade of stomach contents that covered me, and the floor, and her.  I had never seen anything like it before.  I just knew that something was wrong.

So the day after Christmas my mother, and Zoë and I set off for the hospital.  If only I could have known sooner…if only there was a Christmas wish, or miracle I could have asked for the day before…

Since April 1, 2012 our house has been silent.  There are no middle of the night feedings, no crying for attention, or diaper changes.  There is stillness in the air.  There is less light, as I keep the nursery door closed.   And far less hustle and bustle that warms a home.

This year my one Christmas wish is to have my family close to me.  To be surrounded by those who were there the last day we had before we knew Zoë’s diagnosis.  This year I will host Christmas dinner at my house.  I will trim a tree, and put lights up around my porch, and on my hedges.  I will warm my home with my oven, and fireplace.  We will listen to festive music, and play holiday games, and fill our quiet home with the sound of laughter and joy.

I will do my best to distract myself.  To try and calm my mind.  But I know that it will be hard because this year I don’t have a little gift to give to Zoë.  I don’t have a 14 month old toddler to keep away from the fireplace, and watch open gifts.  I don’t have her to hold as I watch A Christmas Story, as our leg lamp lights the living room window.

Santa it is just so hard to look around and not see all of those things that I am missing this year.  I know that as much as you are a miracle worker, you cannot undo what has been done this time.  So instead I ask of you for a bit of peace of mind, to calm my spirit, and to allow me to honor my daughter by not turning against this holiday.  To remember the wonderful Christmas I had with her.

I have learned that whenever you ask for something it is best to give something in return.  So this year I will buy a toy or two and donate it to Children’s Hospital.  Although Zoë is not here to open gifts there will be other little ones who would love to have a new toy to play with.

Santa if only you could grant my wish…

Love,

Laura

Picture

Our Angel Christmas Day 2011

13 Comments
Lora Roy
12/7/2012 06:54:02 am

<3 This letter, and your Spirit and strength Laura! Happy Holidays!

Reply
Niccie
12/7/2012 08:28:06 am

Laura I just want to give you the biggest hug.

Reply
MaryLouise Delano
12/7/2012 09:04:58 am

Love & hugs

Reply
Leanne
12/7/2012 09:37:51 am

I admire you so much. You have got to be the strongest woman I know. Zoe will be here in spirit this year and will always remember what an amazing mother she has.

Reply
Renee
12/7/2012 09:59:34 am

Laura and Zeppo, thanks for blessing all of us and still sharing Zoé with us though your memories. Your strength is inspiring. Bless you all.

Reply
Taylor Deem
12/7/2012 10:36:09 am

Xoxo sending you and your family holiday wishes, warmth & love. Your strength and spirit are awe inspiring.

Reply
Amy
12/7/2012 11:01:40 am

Laura hope you and your family have a great holiday. You are an amazing person.

Reply
annallen
12/7/2012 11:29:17 am

You are truly an angel in disguise. You brought tears to my eyes. God bless you Laura

Reply
Karline K
12/7/2012 12:01:21 pm

Laura, you and Zeppo are the two most amazing parents I think anyone will ever meet, know, or hear about. You have been able to share the most intimate and raw parts of your lives, and allowed us all to be a part of Zoe and her legacy. I am so happy to hear that you are celebrating and decorating, and I think that God will bless your home. I think that bright star will be a little brighter over your home on Christmas Day. You are an amazing person, woman, friend, survivor, and most of all mother. God Bless you and your family. I know every time I see a balloon or look at my charm, I think of what an amazing little girl Zoe was, and how even more amazing her life was because you were her parents. God blessed her with you both. Happy Holidays and know you remain in my heart, thoughts, and prayers. xoxoxo

Reply
Lou-Ann Broadmeadow link
12/8/2012 03:44:12 am

Ohh Sweetie, I have been thinking about you so much. It is so difficult to not think about what this Christmas should have been with our sweet baby. But she will be there because just like I tell her how much I love her and say goodnight every night to her, we will tell her about how she will always be our Christmas gift. We will tell her how much she meant to us, and she does know.

Reply
Colleen AKA Mom/Memere
12/8/2012 04:46:56 am

Your words bring a flood of tears. I love you my sweet.

Reply
Lori Barden
12/10/2012 07:07:22 pm

Wishes for peace this Christmas. Thank you for sharing with me, with all of us, your life and family. Merry Christmas and much love in 2013

Reply
Zeppo
1/10/2013 10:36:18 am

There is healing through humor. A friend of mine commented on this picture once with a joke. He said that she was definitely trying to break my collar bone. Every time I see this picture I think of that.

Reply



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    Laura is Zoë's mommy.  Forever and Always.

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The Zoë Faye Foundation's mission is to provide support and assistance to children diagnosed with Malignant Rhabdoid Tumors, Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumors, and Non-CNS Extrarenal Rhabdoid Tumors, and their families; provide pathways to information, financial relief, and raise awareness for rare pediatric cancers, and funds for researchers who focus on Rhabdoid Tumors and related cancers with the hopes of achieving a cure.