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Home Again

5/9/2012

7 Comments

 
Zoë came home again yesterday.  Zeppo was contacted by the funeral home, and he made the trip to pick up a small vessel.  It is blue, and has white birds.  It fits in the palm of my hand.

I asked Zeppo where we should place her.  What a strange sentence.  Even as I said it, it the words fell out of my mouth and dropped to the floor.  There is nothing natural about having to think of where to “place” your child.  Zoë should be learning to crawl.  She should be rolling all around, sitting up, and being everything but still.  The thought that she is contained in one small spot is, well…I don’t have the words yet to describe how painful it is.

The vessel is now on my dresser in our bedroom.  I placed her with a jeweled bird that will contain her hair once I figure out a way to secure it.  I lay in bed, and I could not stop staring at the little shrine.

I thought about when she was that small.  When I was pregnant with her, and when I could just start feeling her.  I thought of all of the things I did with her.

Zoë and I went to Philadelphia together.  She was just weeks old and she had her first airplane ride.  We made a wedding dress together.  We danced with Zeppo at our wedding.  She went to Canada, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Connecticut.  She went to work with me, and we drove around a lot together.  She listened to my secret hopes, and dreams for her.

As I left for work this morning I opened a package that contained information on a Star named after Zoë in the Libra Constellation.  I could not help but cry again.  The other night lying in bed I used the Google Sky App to locate Libra.  It was right over my bed.  I thought of Zoë.  Now I know that as we rotate around the galaxy Zoë’s star will be out there shining away.

My little shinning star.

Our bedroom became a temple, and a sanctuary, and now Zoë is back home with us in this sacred space.
7 Comments
Lizz Dufault
5/9/2012 01:32:01 am

Laura...the tears are rolling down my cheeks...you are so strong...I don't know how you do it...oh how much I adore you....

Reply
Leslie Lemieux
5/9/2012 02:32:00 am

Laura:
You are truely inspirational. I don't know how you do it but I am learning all the time from your strength. Sometimes I get on the computer and I don't feel to "up" and then I see what you have been through and how you are dealing with it on a daily basis and you remind me what life is about....living. Thank you.

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Jack link
5/9/2012 07:51:05 am

Zoe isn't in a small space really, she is soaring over us, like that star that now belongs to her, and growing with those trees now planted in her honor. In more ways than one she is omni present, always.
Love you!
-Jack

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Joy
5/9/2012 11:25:17 am

Thank you for sharing with us all, Laura. God bless you & Zeppo

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dawn
5/9/2012 11:50:11 am

thats great that a star was named after her already! i had sent you guys a message earlier today about doing that but its wonderful that someone did that for you guys. god bless you guys!

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Lou-Ann link
5/10/2012 05:30:40 am

Zoe cannot be contained. Cancer tried and she broke free,not in the way we hoped for but in her own way. Nothing can harm her, nothing could crush her spirit. The ashes are the only reminders of the body that we loved but that caused her pain. We will always love her. Maybe someday we will be able to remember her without the tears that inevitably fall. But for now she soars free.

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Catherine C. Capasso
5/11/2012 11:51:20 pm

Dear Laura,

It's okay to cry, it doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are human. The words that come through your tears are powerful, meaningful, heartfelt and provoking. You shared so much with Zoë in such a short time. Amazingly you realized it and started sharing things and creating memories with her before she was born.

You are making a difference with every blog post, every interview, every update on Facebook, all your words and all your actions. Zoë has a message for the world and you are her voice.

Zoë's vessel symbolizes her so well, a pure white bird in a cloudless blue sky.

Reading this post, there is a thought I can't let go of, a paraphrase of An Irish Blessing:

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rain fall soft upon your fields.
"and until we meet again, I will hold you in the palm of my hand."

Photo by Anders Ek posted on Facebook

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    Laura is Zoë's mommy.  Forever and Always.

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The Zoë Faye Foundation's mission is to provide support and assistance to children diagnosed with Malignant Rhabdoid Tumors, Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumors, and Non-CNS Extrarenal Rhabdoid Tumors, and their families; provide pathways to information, financial relief, and raise awareness for rare pediatric cancers, and funds for researchers who focus on Rhabdoid Tumors and related cancers with the hopes of achieving a cure.