I did not have the ability to post the post that I was writing in my head yesterday. In some ways this is probably a good thing as I got to sit back and reflect as the day rolled along.
I watched Facebook as post, after post, after post about Mother’s Day went up. It seemed in many ways like a day where kids gave sweet gifts, and moms were thanked, and phrases of love expressed. Which is all wonderful...but I just could not get into the spirit.
Now this might seem strange because last Mother’s Day I celebrated with my little family just after losing Zoë. It was a very hard day, but I was happy to know that I had become a mother even if my child was no longer with me. This year I am mothering Esmée, and yet not feeling all that joyous in Mother’s Day.
I think the reason is that I could not help but shake this feeling of sadness and empathy for those women out there who had lost babies. Whether in utero, or as an infant, or adult children, it does not matter. Losing a child is the most tragic event a mother can experience. I wanted to reach out to those moms and hug them. I cried tears for them yesterday.
Then I thought of all of those moms who are only moms in dreams. The women who are suffering from infertility, for lesbians who are searching for a donor, for single women who just want a baby. I know and love some of these women…and my heart goes out to them on Mother’s Day. How hard it must be too see pictures of babies, and children, ads on television, and the radio, and gigantic one pound boxes of chocolate in the stores all for MOM.
I felt like I could not post a smiling photo of Esmée with me, without feeling a bit of guilt. I am so blessed. I am so lucky. I am a mom…
Love and Light to all those out there who are moms only in dreams. May your dreams come true.
I watched Facebook as post, after post, after post about Mother’s Day went up. It seemed in many ways like a day where kids gave sweet gifts, and moms were thanked, and phrases of love expressed. Which is all wonderful...but I just could not get into the spirit.
Now this might seem strange because last Mother’s Day I celebrated with my little family just after losing Zoë. It was a very hard day, but I was happy to know that I had become a mother even if my child was no longer with me. This year I am mothering Esmée, and yet not feeling all that joyous in Mother’s Day.
I think the reason is that I could not help but shake this feeling of sadness and empathy for those women out there who had lost babies. Whether in utero, or as an infant, or adult children, it does not matter. Losing a child is the most tragic event a mother can experience. I wanted to reach out to those moms and hug them. I cried tears for them yesterday.
Then I thought of all of those moms who are only moms in dreams. The women who are suffering from infertility, for lesbians who are searching for a donor, for single women who just want a baby. I know and love some of these women…and my heart goes out to them on Mother’s Day. How hard it must be too see pictures of babies, and children, ads on television, and the radio, and gigantic one pound boxes of chocolate in the stores all for MOM.
I felt like I could not post a smiling photo of Esmée with me, without feeling a bit of guilt. I am so blessed. I am so lucky. I am a mom…
Love and Light to all those out there who are moms only in dreams. May your dreams come true.
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