The Zoë Faye Foundation
  • Home
    • Malignant Rhabdoid Tumor
    • Miss Zoë Faye >
      • Balloons for Zoë >
        • Balloon Launches and Other Stories
      • Prayers For Zoë
  • Little & Fierce
  • A Posse Ad Esse
  • Support
    • Team Zoë Gear
    • Zoë's Team Members
    • Events >
      • Past Events
      • Event Photos
    • Donations
  • Contact Us

Replacement Child

5/31/2013

4 Comments

 
It was suggested to me recently by a well-meaning close friend that perhaps I should look up a book that she read regarding only children.  There is a chapter that discusses, “replacement children”, she tells me.  I cringe.  She goes on to tell me about how after losing a child some people have a child to “replace” the first, and that child often grows up with issues stemming from the inability to live up to the parents expectations, or feeling like they have to be better or best at everything for their deceased sibling.  I cringe.

Her suggestion to read this book was because I have written recent posts about my struggles to both keep Zoë alive in my heart, mind, and soul, while simultaneously raising Esmée.  She was suggesting it to let me know that I am not alone in this struggle, and there are others who have issues not passing along psychological problems to children born after a sibling has passed on.

I appreciate her attempt at this well-meaning advice, and I do not cringe at her giving it to me.  What I cringe at is the author’s term, “replacement child.”  How icky is that!! 

So let me start back from before Zoë was diagnosed, or before we knew anything was wrong with her.  Before our lives were turned upside down Zeppo and I had discussed that we would, (when the time was right), give Zoë a sibling.  Zoë’s sibling is Esmée, and she showed up just a bit too late to meet her big sister.  However, she was wanted long before cancer rocked our world.  Long before Zoë was even born. 

I have always wanted three children.  Zeppo wants two.  We shall see where we end up, but no matter what Esmée has not, and will not be a “replacement” for anyone, especially her big sister!

Now to combat Esmée feeling like she has to “live up to”, her sister’s legacy.  Well, Esmée is on her own journey through life.  She is shaping her own world, and quite frankly to be blunt, it is not hard to surpass the accomplishments of a five month old.  So yes, Esmée will do, say, and become her own person not in the shadow of her sister, but hopefully with the messages that Zoë left behind.  To love, and live as hard as you can, because life is SO short.

Losing Zoë left a hole in our lives.  One that cannot be filled with Esmée, or any other child.  It is a Zoë shaped hole, ten pounds of flesh and bone, of sparkling eyes, and gummy smiles.  I will always have a child that is five months ten days old, even when I am eighty and someone asks, “how many children do you have?”  I will say, “I have a five month old, and a forty-seven year old.”  I also hope that someday I will have a sibling for Esmée to add to that count.

I have dreamed of three children, and who knows if the wind blows in my favor I might just get another baby someday, (when the time is right).

As for not passing on those psychological issues onto Esmée, or her sibling(s).  I think that part of my lamentations of late are because in all reality Zoë passed away only fourteen months ago.  As time passes my grief and morning will change.  Although it will never go away it won’t be so raw. 

Right now Esmée is not of an age that she can understand when Zeppo and I discuss Zoë.  How we miss her.  How we are dealing with our grief.  Zeppo and I talk often about where we are, what we need…  We still check in, and we still support each other.  The best part of my day sometimes is hearing Zeppo tell me about how something reminded him of Zoë, or how he took pause to remember something.  These conversations are private, and personal.  They are times when we can tear up, and cry until we smile.  They are not for Esmée. 

As I have discussed before Esmée will be well aware that she had a sister before her.  But all of our conversations will be age appropriate and organic.  The time will come when I have to discuss big concepts to a little girl.  I don’t know how it will go, and I don’t plan what I will say.  But I do know that Esmée will not ever think that she is here because she is a “replacement”.
4 Comments
Amanda salisbury
5/31/2013 04:15:34 am

Laura I can't but help to feel the same way you do. My first born would have been celebrating her 3rd bday tomorrow and I now have her brother who is 10 months old, many people told me I was having my son to replace the hurt and void I had with losing my 13 day old daughter. Carleigh will always be Brayden's big sissy as he goes to cemetery and we tell him about her daily. I admire you and Zeppo so much for your strength. Your post have given me strength and inspiration to move through my hurt and grief and stay positive.

Reply
barbara greenlee
5/31/2013 04:34:34 am

Laura, Essme will never be a replacement for Zoe. But perhaps she will be able to relieve some of the pain of losing Zoe. My mother-in-law lost a child of four months of age. She never got over losing that baby. She had other children to care for and that gave her the strength to go on. Esmee will bring great joy into you lives,
but Zoe will always be with you too. Esmee is her own person-not a copy or a replacement, just a little girl to love.

I wish you the best
Barbara

Reply
Lou-Ann Broadmeadow link
5/31/2013 05:57:13 am

Esmee is her own person and like her sister, Zoe, she is a force to be reckoned with. Zoe was not a puppy, there is no replacing of this bright flame that lit our world on fire. Zoe will always be alive in our hearts and when the time is right we will share her pictures and smiles with our Esmee. But I guarentee, Esmee and her siblings will leave their own marks on the world and I can' wait to see it happen.

Reply
Marylouise
5/31/2013 01:23:47 pm

Esmee is a rainbow baby! And will always know her sister and will laugh when she sees what Zoe had to wear for photos! Zoe & Esmee are very lucky to have such wonderful parents!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Laura is Zoë's mommy.  Forever and Always.

    Archives

    April 2015
    March 2015
    August 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    August 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

The Zoë Faye Foundation's mission is to provide support and assistance to children diagnosed with Malignant Rhabdoid Tumors, Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumors, and Non-CNS Extrarenal Rhabdoid Tumors, and their families; provide pathways to information, financial relief, and raise awareness for rare pediatric cancers, and funds for researchers who focus on Rhabdoid Tumors and related cancers with the hopes of achieving a cure.