The Zoë Faye Foundation
  • Home
    • Malignant Rhabdoid Tumor
    • Miss Zoë Faye >
      • Balloons for Zoë >
        • Balloon Launches and Other Stories
      • Prayers For Zoë
  • Little & Fierce
  • A Posse Ad Esse
  • Support
    • Team Zoë Gear
    • Zoë's Team Members
    • Events >
      • Past Events
      • Event Photos
    • Donations
  • Contact Us

Split Personality

7/5/2012

10 Comments

 
I have been trying for weeks to figure out just how I am feeling at any given moment. 

There are things that I defiantly know I am feeling, and things that I defiantly know I don’t know…but all in all I am at a loss for words.  Even when in conversation with my husband I cannot seem to pinpoint what I want or make a decision.

You have to know that I am one of the most decisive people you will ever meet.  I make judgments quickly, and know what I want at almost every moment.  I find a comfort in having direction, working towards something, and achieving.  OK…I am Type A.  Or…I was.  Now I don’t know quite what I am.  I am like a Type A person who has lost their faith in achievement.  I struggle to concentrate.

The thing is I know exactly what I want.  I know at every given moment what I wish I was doing.  As I sit here, outside by my neighbor’s pool I have visions of my floating around with Zoë in a floating baby raft, and us splashing and playing in the water.  That right there is what I want.  That is what every cell in my body is striving to achieve, but that is exactly what my rational brain knows I will never accomplish.

So…what to do?  Well nothing.  There is nothing that I can do that will get me what I want…so instead I struggle with knowing that I need to do something.  Anything.  I know I need to “keep going”.  But going at what?  I can swim…and find a fraction of a moment of joy, then reality hits.

I can enjoy a sunset for a second…then reality.

I can watch a baby bunny hop across my lawn…then reality.

I have now been without Zoë for just over three months. One quarter of a year.  The longest and fastest three months of my life.  Knowing the value of life it kills me that part of me is not living to the fullest.  That part of me that does not want to do anything, that is satisfied with staying at home curled up in my bed all day.  I am so grateful that I have the other half of me pushing myself out of bed, and into the world.  My desire to live a full life is just as strong as my desire to not…so here I am split in two.  Unable to make a decision because both sides of myself make such a great arguments.  I agree equally with both. 

The Do-Nothing side is responsible for my pleasure.  It tells me take care of yourself.  You are depressed, and sad, relax, and day dream.  Who cares about doing chores, keeping up the house, or doing laundry…it does not matter.  Those things are not worth anything.

Then my Type A personality boots me out of bed and says, “Laura you must do SOMETHING!”  So I make a bargain.  I will vacuum the sun room if I can stay outside for the rest of the day and watch Louie on Netflix, and crochet. 

If I fold one wash I can sit at the picnic table and daydream for an hour while watching the birds.

If I don’t scream at the top of my lungs in the grocery stores frozen foods isle I can play De Blob 2 on Wii for a few hours.

So…I guess I am somehow accomplishing some things…but not really. 

What I am accomplishing is:

1.       Not being locked up in the crazy bin for public meltdowns.
2.       Keeping the house at a mild organized state.
3.       Not staying in bed all day.

My Type A side is PISSED at this list.  It is so paltry, and pathetic.  It is barely any kind of accomplishment.  But my Do-Nothing Self is rather proud.  “Look at me,” it says, “I am at least accomplishing something.”

The decision making process which used to be at lightning speed now has to be processed by both sides of my new personality.  Type A will attempt to get an answer first, but usually Do-Nothing sneaks in and interrupts.  The proposed question is then battered back and forth like volleyball until either the ball is dropped out of exhaustion, or someone makes a decision for me.

WHO IS THIS PERSON?!?!

Me, having someone else make a decision for me?  Holy-moly….  But in all reality this is probably the best and least exhausting resolution to any scenario in which I am required to make a decision at the moment.  When my most rational side knows that I am not to be fully trusted to make the best decisions for myself.

My inability to make a choice has resulted in dinner time being at 10:00PM, my inability to sleep, watch TV without having to do something at the same time, find music to listen to, I won’t even begin to attempt to read at the moment because the choice of what book to read makes me fearful it will result in a full blown panic attack.  So I just don’t read at the moment.

I have been known to change my outfit several times a day.  I make plans only to remember that I have other plans, then the thought of doing any of them panics me and I just want to cancel.

If anyone makes a comment that it, “just takes time,” again I will scream.  Time is both the answer and the problem.  Time is not on my side.  I have a lot of time to be without Zoë, to think of her, and to miss her.  No amount of time will bring her back.  No amount of time will make the pain of having lost my child any less.  Time will pass and I will learn how to cope with her loss better.  I will learn what will trigger my pain, and how to alleviate it.  But it will not diminish my pain. 

This is something that all parts of me know without a doubt.

10 Comments
Mary Louise
7/5/2012 08:34:28 am

No words,just big hugs,love you

Reply
Heather Mooney
7/5/2012 09:25:10 am

<3 "hugs" <3

Reply
Nicole
7/5/2012 09:25:58 am

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life, how do you go on? And then in your heart you begin to realize, there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go to deep, that have taken hold."

Your last paragraph was something that hit deep down. I send you a hug and a smile.

Reply
Shannon
7/5/2012 01:35:58 pm

You are amazing! I am sure you don't want sorry, funny everytime I see a balloon all I think about is Zoe and you guys! Hugs!!! You are making a difference everyday;)

Reply
Shannon Jakas
7/6/2012 12:11:22 am

Laura, I'm not gonna try & pretend like I have any clue as to how such a loss is making you feel but I would just like to say that I too have suffered severely throughout my life, and have lost EVERYONE I have ever loved since I was as young as my first memory & as the years pass its just more of the same, but someway, somehow, I am still here. I read your posts and have found myself in some of those same chaotic, irratiable, cranky moods where not only the walls but it feels like the world is closing in on you, but it's not, & it won't!
"They" who ever "they" are say, children pick their parents, for the majority of my life I thought "those" people were crazy;.....why Wld I "pick" parents that Wld have given me the childhood I had, I wldnt wish that on my worst enemy, but afta all these years, I realize it is true & I'm sure given the chance this IS the life I Wld have picked b/c I know I cld get thru it & I Wld have rathered taken on the burden of being the burden & excepting that Jesus made me Unlovable so that I Wld b able to survive. With that said, Zoe picked you to b her Mommy, she knew that NO matter WHAT you Wld b there for her & even though u may have only had a short time together, she knew her lil bit of time on this earth was to be spent with you! She also must have know just how strong you are and that she knew you Wld be able to be able to live on even if only for her memory.
Keep your head up & keep smiling cuz it will get better!

Reply
Amy Jackson
7/6/2012 12:25:31 am

*love*

Reply
katy garrison
7/6/2012 01:19:13 am

nothing can and will ever replace her, but you must go on, if you can become pregnant, I would think that would bring you more joy than anything, another child will never replace Zoe, but it can bring you back to extreme happiness, dont wait, some things just cant wait, you have so much love to give....it will be amazing

Reply
Lou-Ann Broadmeadow link
7/6/2012 01:30:47 am

Laura, go to the forum on the NILMDTS website, you will see that what you are feeling is a normal human reaction to having your heart ripped out. It may be time to seek outside counsel.
Hugs

Reply
Diana Strembicki
7/7/2012 08:16:25 am

Time will heal. I read your post. I have lost a child too, my first born Emily Marie. I look back and wonder where the years have gone. She will be turning 18 on August 23rd. Please don't give up. I have 2 beutiful children, Lindsey who just turned 16 and Ryan who just turned 12. I think of Emily every day. I wonder what our life would be like if she was still with us. Emily will always be in our hearts and someday we will be with her, but God needs us to nuture and look after our children, Lindsey and Ryan and be there with them as they also grow. Sometimes we don't have the answers why God does the things he does, and why the children have to suffer. Please take the time and take care of yourself. Time will heal. I did have a great therapist that helped me though the grieving that we must deal with when we loss a loved one. It helped so much. Womens and Infants has a great support group also which helps parents with losses.

Reply
Christine Perkins
7/10/2012 12:19:15 am

Nothing I can say to bein to make it better. So just "Blessings" to you and Zeppo.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Laura is Zoë's mommy.  Forever and Always.

    Archives

    April 2015
    March 2015
    August 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    August 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

The Zoë Faye Foundation's mission is to provide support and assistance to children diagnosed with Malignant Rhabdoid Tumors, Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumors, and Non-CNS Extrarenal Rhabdoid Tumors, and their families; provide pathways to information, financial relief, and raise awareness for rare pediatric cancers, and funds for researchers who focus on Rhabdoid Tumors and related cancers with the hopes of achieving a cure.