Thoughts

I am plagued by irrational thoughts, and fears.  All the what if’s.  All of the unknowns. 

I have been suffering from an odd form of depression.  I feel like half my brain is depressed.  Half of me feels asleep all the time.  The other half of me is super-duper high functioning.  I am getting done more than I have ever been able to, but in very short bursts.

I feel disintegrated.

My memory is shot.  I have no ability to remember what I have to do…where I have to be…or what is to come.  Yet I have such vivid memories that play over and over and over.

I thought I would take a road trip, then I had a near panic attack at the thought of it.  I am having a very hard time relating to people, and I don’t want to place myself in a position where I am with people and I am uncomfortable.  I think I need a road trip but one that would just loop back home.  So I think as soon as a weekend opens up this is what I will do.  I feel Maine calling to me…

I know I have to calm my mind.  I know that I have to stop having irrational fears…but how can I?  When the biggest fear of your life is realized, how can you not think that other tragedies can happen?  I feel like I am bracing constantly.  Like if I stop pushing against the walls of my life it will all crash down.

So while I am bracing these walls why not redecorate them.  I started in my kitchen yesterday.  Painting over some old brown paint above the cabinets, and turning it a beautiful blue.  I am searching for complementary shades for the walls in the kitchen, and the hall…then a super white pink for the bathroom, with new tile to replace the tiles falling off the wall of the shower, and maybe in due time tile for the floor as well. 

I have been having issues with my house.  The house is so quiet.  It is so empty.  It has rooms that I am uncomfortable in.  So if I spiff up the rooms that I am comfortable in maybe the rooms that I am not okay in will become more comfortable.

I have also been battling with the hedges in the front yard.  Cutting out all of the dead wood.  This is so satisfying.  To clip away, and pull out all of the dead, and allow the hedges to get more light, and life.  Hedges are truly sadomasochistic.  The more you cut them back, the more they thrive.  I have such a love hate relationship with my hedges.  I don’t know if I love them, or hate them…

I was slicing away at a hedge rather enthusiastically, only to discover a cowering baby bird in a nest.  Poor thing.  I don’t know how long the mother was kept away from the baby…so I immediately packed up my clippers, and left the front of the house.  Baby bird is doing just fine…the hedge is looking funky…  Oh well…

So as you know I am an NPR junkie.  Today as I write and type my blog I am uplifted by Radiolab’s Podcast: Fetal Consequences.  This amazing scientific research story explains about how fetal cells remain in mothers for 4 or 5 decades after a mother conceives.   Even if you have the briefest of pregnancies you will have the cells in your body.  Which means that floating around in my body are bits and pieces of Zoë’s DNA.  I could not help but cry at this thought.  It means that Zoë is truly on some microscopic genetic level still living and coexisting with me.

So off I go…out to start my day…just me, and my babies.